kena

The paint of happiness

In hack, reflection on January 17, 2012 at 01:41

I had a shitty week-end.

Maybe not the shittiest week-end ever. There were two light point, namely the impromptu water art session on Saturday night and two hours of dance classes on Sunday. Just for that it was not all that bad.

Nevertheless, except for these few light hours, I spent pretty much the entire time severely depressed. Thinking about how I was feeling alone but with no energy to go out and meet people. Thinking that all my friends were having a nice time whereas I had to stay at home working, catching up and preparing stuff for the next week. Doing laundry, shopping, other miscellaneous house maintenance stuff, yet not seeing the point of having such a big home for myself only if it was not shared regularly. On Sunday I stayed in bed late, not wanting to face a day of physical and intellectual boredom. I even had the frustration of receiving extremely good reviews for an article I wrote, yet by reviewers that were only “exercising” (meaning the article does not get published although the reviews were positive).

Except for the two hours of dancing already mentioned, Sunday ended up being quite bad overall.

So when I came back home in the evening I went to bed and I had a serious sleep issue. Indeed when I am depressed it becomes difficult to sleep, because I can’t easily accept to integrate the feeling of hopelessness into the start of my night.

Yet at I was pressing my face between two pillows and my giant plush shark, the light shone again. Retrospectively this would be best described as an “Eureka” moment with a light bulb; at that moment it was just a “let’s try that see if it work” idea with an optimistic intuition.

I simply visualized memories of my loved ones smiling. One after the other. Like others visualize jumping sheep, I visualized faces turning over to face me and starting to smile. R., smile. M., smile. R., smile. S., smile. N., smile. M., smile. M., smile. S., smile. M., smile. N., smile. M., smile. B., smile. A., smile. H., smile. D., smile. T., smile. J., smile. T., smile. P., smile. A., smile. X., smile. S., smile. R., smile. M., smile. D., smile. F., smile. C., smile. A., smile. P., smile. R., smile. M., smile. N., smile. C., smile. S.-B., smile. C., smile…

I fell asleep with the biggest smile of all on my face. Obviously tonight I’ll continue with the gallery!

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